As she works herself, she imagines repeated strikes on her buttocks and how the blows might rid her of regrets, make her mind a blank and lovely space. *****Eva and Natalie are talking on the phone."Are we still on for tonight?" Eva asks her friend."I've been thinking," Natalie says."Really? That's so unlike you." Ha-ha. Funny-Funny. Not! I need to get something straight." Oh, what is it?" I was wondering . . . when we watched — you know ?" Looked like fun, don't you think?" You really got off on it, didn't you?" You know I did." Were you hinting —?" — I was hardly subtle." I need you to be cruel." I can do cruel." You understand why, don't you?" Because of Ruth?" It's what I deserve." So can you be at the warehouse by eight. I have a rope — and a cane just like Caroline's." Is there anything I should bring?" Just your lovely buttocks." And you want me to be like that blonde girl, right?" Am I asking too much, being incredibly. Then again, maybe I am arrogant. Would an arrogant person KNOW when they step over the line from confidence to arrogance?”“You make good points,” she allowed. “I don’t find you to be arrogant. You tend to internalize blame even in the midst of success. That’s not a trait arrogant people possess.”We talked back and forth like that the whole morning, with me sketching away contentedly while we chatted. I finished a more polished sketch of Lana, one of Collie and started a family portrait with myself, the four girls, Patty, Dan, Lilly and Mom before we called a break for lunch.We went to the cafeteria and had a light lunch still chatting before we returned to her office.In the afternoon, I told her about Tabby’s concern that I was taking on too much. “Does that actually happen? A person just implodes mentally under the weight of their own intelligence?” I asked, my pencil still scratching across the page as I finished the portrait.“It can. Every mind has a breaking point. She may have.
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