"Back when I'd feel depressed, it was mostly like nothing was worth theenergy it took to do it, and there wasn't always any obvious reason whyI'd feel like that sometimes and not others. I mean, I had the wrong bodyall the time, so wouldn't that mean I'd feel bad about it all the time?I never cried like I did in the ladies' room last Sunday. I'm nothappy all the time now, I get frustrated and sad and angry sometimes,but there's an obvious reason why I'm feeling that way, and the feelingpasses when the reason goes away, or sometimes sooner."Ms. Hewitt nodded. "That does sound very different. I think you'reright; being a girl has been good for you." Can you convince Dad of that?" I asked. "I mean, I'm pretty sure Momis already on board with me being a girl, but Dad still seems to thinkI'll grow out of this." We'll discuss it when I meet with your parents in a little while,"she said. "Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?"I thought about it, and I decided it was okay to. I smelled my sneaker too, lots of times. I thought about licking it.Instead, I masturbated myself, purposefully edging for a long longtime.Usually, I erupted into an old athletic sock that I kept hidden fromeveryone, so no one could ever find it, the tell-tale striped crustyedges of a cum rag.This time, I blasted my load right onto my own body. All over my bellyand chest, with a few drops shooting up to my collar bone.Laying on my back, on my bed, feeling like I'd just run the longestmarathon of my life, my heart trying to calm down and not leap out ofmy rib cage, a new urge took over me.Taste it.TASTE IT!The first blob of it had an odor to it, I realized, after I'd scoopedit up with a finger and brought it to my face. It was a smell thatmade me startle. It was earthy, and pungent.It was alive!I waited, my finger poised near my lips, wondering what I would do.Did I want to taste it?Deep down, I gave myself permission.In all the years I'd been masturbating, since I'd first.
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