Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep inside of me. I wanted to be a dominant. I wanted control. But that inequality was so alien to how I was raised that I felt tremendous guilt about it and never told a soul about my desires. The guilt, however great, never stopped me from fantasizing. If I was going to turn over a new leaf, and try to be open and truly honest with my potential partners, I needed to acknowledge this part of me. Let it out, and learn how to engage it.Suddenly I realized what was so terrifying about being myself. I was petrified about letting the dominant part of me out. What if they thought I was sick. What if they laughed. Worst of all, what if I hurt somebody? Jesus. That would destroy me.But I was stuck on the horns of a dilemma. I couldn't go back to how I was, that way led nowhere, so I could only go forward, but I didn't know how to make a. “Actions,” I said with a shrug. “Yeah, it’s embarrassing to admit some of the things you’ve done. If any of us had to bare our souls we’d be blushing like we farted in church. I’ve done some things I don’t want my mother to know about. We all do. But they helped make me who I am today. I’m more careful today because of actions I made in the past.”“Good point,” Susan said. “My point is that Liz has to be able to tell her story without sounding like she committed a crime. At the same time, it can’t sound rehearsed. Travis will work with you on the presentation. You’ll be fine. For now, it’s not important that you reveal all the details to us. So, your boyfriend had sex with someone else and their boyfriend had sex with you.”“Essentially,” Liz admitted with another sad glance at me. “Except it didn’t really involve boyfriends. It was just guys we knew. We had an orgy one night. It was me, Caley, Anastasia, Emelda, a backup singer named Cindy Collins and three guys we knew from the New.
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