And here I was the one thinking I had done something wrong! “No,” I cut him off. “No Michael it’s not, it’s nothing- it’s-” And then I knew. I knew then what I wanted, what I had wanted for so long, what I needed then and there. “It’s alright, it’s what, what I want.” His eyes widened, but I kept going before he could say anything. “I know it’s wrong, and not right and all that, but I want it, I want you, I need you so bad, I just, I just want to feel it again, feel alive, feel love, feel warm feel good, feel anything, and,” I took a deep breath, ”I want to feel it with you right here, right now, and I don’t care what anyone says, what they think, and if anyone disagrees then fuck them, fuck them all, and if you don’t, then, then fuck you too, and-” I was babbling, and starting to lose it, filling up with pain and embarrassment again, and I could feel the tears starting. Michael came to my rescue, as he always had, and from that point on always would, in the way he did best, without. Doggie had a lot of stamina I was thinking because he was frantic for Varda right away. “God!” she said again, “lick me you dirty dog,” and he did and she was petting him, petting herself and letting out grunts of pleasure. It was quiet in Jim’s kitchen again and we sat opposite each other. “I can’t believe it,” she said, “that was so good. Better than good. Much, much, better. How did that happen?” I told Varda my story and after that, until Jim came back, the two of us couldn’t wait to visit his house after school.Then Jim came home. That first afternoon I thought about limiting my visits, making them quick and business-like or maybe not at all as I was afraid Jim would learn what a naughty girl I was. But I did go that first afternoon, fed the dog, which immediately was excited to see me. “Did he bother you when I was gone? Jim asked. “No,” I said but my face was read and the doggie was at my ankle. “He seems to like you,” Jim said. I’m sure my face was beet red. .
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