Secondly, and doubtless more typically, a sense of self-loathing, feeling dirty, soiled, used, and so on. I decided not to repeat the experience. I really couldn’t stop thinking about that first experience, and while I told myself I didn’t want to repeat it, I kept fantasizing about it. My ass was only slightly sore, but also sort of tingly. My body felt alight and alive. I liked feeling lusted for, and yet I was upset with myself for feeling that way. My desire was to experience sex as a woman, or from a woman’s perspective: the other side I already knew, and I didn’t need a man for that. Besides, I was not and am not attracted to men per se, but only to their cocks. I felt like this wasn't something I should be doing, but my body craved it, and I wanted men to want me sexually like that. Well, as you can surmise, these desires would reappear, and I either resisted, or repeated the experiences and their aftermaths. So I still occasionally succumbed, and still felt uncomfortable. I laced my fingers through her dark hair. “You’re mine,” I said. Her eyes opened wide, melted darkly. “Fuck me,” she said. Two days later I sat on my parent’s back porch and watched the sun go down. Jane and Ted’s house erupted with anger, cries, and a harsh symphony of accusations and denials. I listened, painfully, scared as I waited, expecting to hear my name burst into their howls of complaint. A door slammed. Jane cried. I turned away, trying desperately to extinguish my tears. An hour went by, silent, brutal, lonely. Satisfied the episode had finally ended, I exiled myself to my room, burning with shame. Their house was soon sold. I tried to forget. I did forget. ~~~ I spent a lazy hour after dinner lounging on our sofa, skimming through a short novel my brother had recom- mended, when Andrea joined me. I hardly even noticed her entrance at first, staying with the book long enough to finish one.
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