At least that's what I've told myself.Yet, I still feel she can, now that she's actually seeing me dressed, soeasily reject them, reject me. That fear that if I were ever found out,it would end my life. Just watching others react to transgenderedpeople who come out, and you just know that thoughts like sexualperversion and its close kin, child molestation, are only a hair-breadthaway in most people's minds.Jillian has been so understanding, so accepting, but with eachrevelation, with each peeling back of the years I've kept things hidden,I still have this doubt that to everybody else out there, even her,there is a point where it's no longer okay, no longer acceptable, theline has been crossed and there's no going back.The room is deathly quiet as I watch her go through the pictures. Whatis she thinking? Is it now too much?She takes a breath and looks up at me before glancing back at them, evenlingering on some."These are you, aren't they?"A pause, and a "Yes, all me, you are. "You're excited thinking about it, aren't you?"Monica blushed and looked down."Sort of. I'm not saying I want to do anything, you know?"She looked around for a second."I look at his thing, sometimes, you know?" Eeww!"She must have realized how she sounded."You're not going to say anything to him, right?" Monica! No!"Inside, I felt another little tingle or flutter. Was this my period, or something else?Monica relaxed."Thanks, Lisa." No problemo."I looked at Dad, too, sometimes, I admit it. It didn't feel gross, though. I didn't stare, either. I mean, that would be gross. I looked at Mom sometimes, too.Then I drifted off, thinking about the water flowing on my skin earlier and how good the warm sun felt now, and we dozed for a little while, until Mom called us for dinner.Monica was pretty quiet while we ate, but I saw her kind of sneaking looks at my dad. I wondered if Mom saw that. Mom didn't miss much, that's for sure. I was trying to watch everyone at the table and talk and eat at.
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