For a long time I buried my memory of that experience until, at a pointseveral years later, I found myself in a relationship that was rapidly,disastrously, dissolving. I had learned she was carrying on an affairbehind my back, and this knowledge made it nearly impossible for meto become sexually aroused by her. I was just too angry to maintainany interest in her. I contented myself, as many sexually frustrated,celibate-against-their-wishes-men do; I masturbated. But I noticedthat my masturbation fantasies were beginning to take a strange turn.I would envision myself dressed as a woman, being undressed by a handsome,well-endowed man (me) and, stripped to just my garterbelt and stockings,being ravished until I would at last erupt in a truly mind-blowingorgasm. One afternoon, as I was experiencing this fantasy for theumpteenth time, I was shocked to discover the female me no longer lookedlike me, but had suddenly become the drag queen I had encountered solong ago at "Bob-In." Needless. He said he loved being with me and that dinner and drinkswould be just for fun. In all the time I had been "out" in public, thistime I felt positive about such a possibility. I managed a weak, almostembarrassing yes. John was thrilled and gave me a big, sincere genuinehug. He would pick me up at my apartment the next night at 7:00 P.M.Saturday morning arrived and I awoke in a bit of a state of frenzy. Ihad all kinds of strange dreams and in one - I was being kissed by a man(It wasn't John) and after the kiss I panicked and in fear - I decidedto run. In the dream I ran and ran. I was scared but I was overtaken bymy pursuer and I got caught. The man grabbed me, took hold of me and Igot kissed again. Once "caught" I didn't run. I just enjoyed the kissand woke up with a painfully hard, stimulated erection! I couldn't denythere was some sort of sexual connection in the dream and where I was atemotionally, yet I had never pondered to any great degree what all ofthis might mean. My reaction.
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