"Why are you so late?" I was just talking to a teacher about some things. He told me I wasdoing well in his class." Big deal. It won't make any difference. You should just quit school andhang with me. I'll get us initiated into the Mara." That's the gang he isaffiliated with; the gang that rules this part of LA."I don't think I would fit in." Mara Salvatrucha is ruthless, macho andviolent. Even Cesar is a mere wannabee, too soft for them.I emerge, and he slaps my ass. "I am working on getting us initiatedright now. If you can learn to look and act like a full time chica, I amgoing to get them to take you as a girl."The prospect is both thrilling and frightening. Mara owns this block.They control the neighborhood from Sunset to Olympic, from Alameda toVermont. Even Crips don't confront Mara on its turf. "They wouldn't takelong to figure out what I am. Unless you are going to buy me a sex changeoperation." It's OK for a cholo to screw a maricone. We don't think it's gay as longas the. Unfortunately one of my co-workers was a black guy who took my avoidinghim as a personal insult, thinking I was racist. It wasn't that I wasavoiding him, I was avoiding everyone. That didn't make much differencethough since he finally ended up hitting me. His knuckles on my face wasenough contact to do it, and to make me lose that job. I went on to several other jobs after that, losing more selfconfidence with each one. Losing my self respect. I thought of myselfas a freak, knowing that I couldn't touch anyone. I didn't dare. Everyonce in a while I sent a post card to Claire, just letting her know Iwas alright, but I didn't do more. I wouldn't even call her, afraid ofhow she'd react to whatever voice I had that week. Several times girls showed interest in me, and most of the timeI had to pass it by. One of them decided to be a little more determinedand gave me a kiss by surprise. I surprised her back by turning into hermirror image right in front of her. She.
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