It was cognitive dissonance, and it shook the foundations of the person I had come to believe I was.I’d been staring at this girl, not trying to catch her eye or anything, just staring. I wasn't trying to flirt with her. As I said, I'd given up on that front years before. No, I was staring because of the clothes she wore. She was all done up the way girls used to be when I was a young man back in the early seventies. It unnerved me to see a gorgeous young thing from right now looking like a gorgeous young thing from back then.I think any given female fashion that is in vogue when a male is experiencing his first sexual stirrings stays lodged in the back of his mind for the rest of his life and becomes a template for how a woman should look. It is an image that etches itself on his brain in the same way some animals get imprinted on the first thing they see after hatching or being born. With animals, it's not always their mothers either; an old bucket, or even human being, is. As I caught up with him, we greeted each other and began chatting away like usual. Everything seemed normal on the surface, but inside my heart was racing, my mind transfixed on this fantasy. I knew it was silly as despite my lack of soberness I still wasn't gay. I just wasn't. It was merely a little fantasy that would remain locked away in my little world. As we approached my house I realised I had given my phone, keys and wallet to a friend in the club in a bid to stop me from losing anything in my merry and slightly vulnerable state. I cursed my stupidity, “Oh for fuck sake!” I sighed. “What? What’s up Dan?” Nathan replied. “I haven’t got anything on me.” I explained revealing my empty pockets. Nathan giggled and reassured me that this was not something to panic about but instead an opportunity to mock my intelligence. “You can sleep on my floor you idiot,” he reassuringly suggested. I found myself taken aback by the speed at which I jumped at this notion. Nathan didn't flinch.
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