Not with areal baby of course, but with a vortex of tender, motherly love churninginside of me. My belly, although distended, was warm and smooth at thetouch. My belly button was jutting out as happens to a pregnant womanwhen her belly bulges out. I had mood swings, typical of hormone surges,and the definite sensation something was moving on the inside. It was abit like I could feel the baby kicking sometimes! Heaven on earth for atranswoman, I thought, mustn't be very different from this. I felt as ifevery moment of my life was significant in the writing of my history as awoman.One night I told Mustapha about my feelings, while I was in his lovingarms. His dark, smouldering eyes softened up all of a sudden, like thoseof a man being told by his woman that he is going to be a father. Next,with a glow I had never seen before, he gave me the most tender kiss awoman could ever get, then another one, and another, and another... a kissdifferent from any kiss he had given me until then. A. It seemed like every chance they had, Caitlin and Phile would run out to check on the horses. I thought I was horse-crazy!We still had antelope hanging around but they hadn’t added much burden to the hay supplies. Mostly they kept to themselves, just in the same pasture as the horses. Of course, we had a couple boarders come out for a winter ride that week and they all wanted to take pictures of the crazy animals.Christmas Eve I helped Moms make a big dinner. We just planned on a quiet family time that night. We shared little gifts with each other and all headed off to our rooms. It was fun to just be together.“Let me go! I’ll get my fucking gun and kill every fucking one of the fuckers!” Caitlin screamed.“Pa! Ramie! Kyle! Moms!” Phile yelled as he stomped through the kitchen door. I turned to look at my brother and sister as he carried her into the house. She was beating against him and squirming all over everyplace.“What is it? What’s happened, honey?” I asked. Pa grabbed Caitlin.
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