What if it is a big break mom? How will I attend school?" Linda" mom said, "you did say that you were going to remain as a girldidn't you? Did you plan on returning to school as a girl? We couldchange your name and all that, but there are other complications toconsider. Lets just wait and see what happens before we jump toconclusions. Okay?" Okay mom."Each day after that I became better at getting dressed, doing my hairand makeup, which mom said was mandatory, then mom would work with me tohelp me with my mannerisms. Simple things, like sitting down, becamevery complicated if I wore a full skirt or dress, then of course I hadto keep my ankles and knees together, my hands folded in my lap. I wasvery uncomfortable at first, then, one day while I was getting dressed,I tried something new. I had read about it on the Internet. Once I wasfinished with manipulating myself, and I was dressed, all of thetransient pains went away, my knees fell together easily, and it was nolonger a task just. The things that quantify this house–the decor a fragile personality has arranged, the kitchen his other life claims for herself, the bedroom a wife defends with spiteful threats of death–exist mostly as background noise for the red-haired woman who arrives with certainty. It must be here she comes, for few other possibilities exist for them. His car would be too awkward. Her van would be too noticeable. Renting a motel to use for only ninety minutes would seem too seedy. And they certainly cannot be whole within the structure of her other life–too many people, too many responsibilities, too many ways to be discovered. In his house, they have little to fear. The raging tempest of his life has withdrawn. Unable to cope with the intensity of her own accusations, unable to detect any clues to confirm her suspicions, unable to shake the thoughts of his betrayal, the wife retreats into self-absorbing anxiety. In the solitude of her absence, he creates the reality of her self-fulfilling.
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