" It's okay," I said. "You were right. My act was pretty messed up. I'm just sorry it screwed things up with us." You didn't screw things up with us," she said. I'm the one who screwed things up with us."I didn't know how to feel about that. I was too used to thinking that I was the one who caused problems, and broke things. My anger control issues had wrecked almost everything in my life. I was still thinking about that, and trying to figure out how she could think she was responsible for anything when she seemed to change her mind, and go on the offensive against me."Why didn't you write to me?" she asked."I did ... a few times," I said, lamely."Why didn't you keep writing to me?" she asked, exaggerated patience in her voice."You stopped writing to me," I complained. "I thought you didn't want me to write to you anymore."She didn't defend her actions (or inaction, as it were), but went on with her assault."Why, when I stopped writing, didn't you come see me to ask why I had stopped. I knew that the hard part for mewas only beginning I would have to hang out with other boys and I did notknow how to be a boy. Maybe, if I could somehow fake it things wouldwork out I hoped that would do.I was lost in my mind, torn between the part that wanted to make my dadproud of his son and the part that still wanted to be a girl. This fightwould go on for 6 more years, that was a pander to the future.The year is 1969 and I turned 14, the new chores seemed to help me as Ihad no time alone, so dressing-up was not an option. I still wanted to,the need was still there it was just unfilled. Thinking back now dadmade sure I had no time alone, he did not trust me. After 3 months therewas a big change in my life, an upcoming dance at school where the girlsasked the boys out. I meet Lynn, she asked me to go with her to thedance. I was faking being a boy good.We went to the dance and made out after, she was the first girl that Ikissed. We started dating and soon a couple. I was.
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