I went into them knowing they would end and always saved myself from getting too badly hurt. The flip side, is that I never really let myself be myself. I always catered to their needs and desires. Well, not totally, but it was better to be passive and agreeable than argue. And most of the time, I didn't particularly care one way or another. That's part of the problem right there. I didn't care.Shit. Jenny must be right. I am a closed book. So if that's the problem, the obvious solution is let myself open up. To get beyond the simple expedient of being 'the boyfriend' and allowing them to see the real me, which is terrifying to contemplate.Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always. I was wearing briefs (for which I was very thankful--they hid the bulge better), while Nat was wearing a lacey pink bra and high-cut panties. No, I have no idea what her bra size is; I don't do her laundry, and I doubt I could tell even if I was looking directly at her. Which I wasn't. We weren't exactly looking at each other, but we certainly weren't looking away, if that makes any sense at all. Actually, that probably makes more sense than anything I've said so far.I slipped off my briefs and tossed it onto the rest of my clothing as she unfastened her bra. Walking slowly toward the pool, I decided against a dive--it was probably no more than five feet deep. I waded in instead, then swam toward the waterfall--I wanted to see if there was anything behind it. Ducking through the falling water, I saw a small alcove, slick with water spray. No portal to a magical realm or mythic monsters waiting to drag me away. Oh well. Another fantasy shattered. Sliding back into the water, I swam.
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