I strained to say, “Thank you, Tre.” What the fuck is wrong with me? I am thanking him for inflicting pain on me. By the 7th stroke my resolve to submit was on the verge of collapse, my brain came to my rescue in a very perverted way. My pussy suddenly was releasing that feeling constantly. I was getting aroused by his brutal hands. I was enjoying getting my ass beat. The pain hurt like hell, but then it got all mixed up and fucked up as I was trying to create pleasure. I was crying hard by the time it ended. I had never felt such pain before, but my fucked up brain was loving it at the same time. He finally spoke, that cruel bastard could speak, “Stand baby and face me.” Did he seriously just call me baby after doing that? What had I signed up for? My tears were falling in volumes now. The pain was intense and I was conflicted so much inside. The man I loved I could only see as the villain. How could my decision to keep my virginity warrant this? “Do you understand why I spanked. ’ I didn’t have to ask her where this left me on the hierarchy of her status, but I did all the same. I did because already the problem of her being dommed by Cormac was becoming a separate problem, a problem apart from the pain of losing her, a problem of such excruciating pain to my ego and the very structure of my personality that I honestly feared for my sanity. I tried to forget her and I couldn’t. I tried to forget what they’d done to me, how they’d humiliated me, emasculated me. Her story was that I just wasn’t the right type to bring out the submissive in her, and maybe that was true, but that’s not what I heard. What I heard was a challenge to my manhood and masculinity, a threat to my very idea of who I was. I wasn’t man enough, wasn’t male enough. The very love I’d shown her had made me feminine and weak, cloying and indecisive. I couldn’t live with myself, couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I loathed myself. My very work—my plays, my stories and poems—seemed effete,.
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