During all time I considered what Helen was doing. She had a doctoraltitle in Physics, for God?s sake, and there she was, living the life ofa suburban housewife, but I had to remember that this was 1959, longbefore women?s liberation. This was the age of prejudice and misogyny.I did not cook extra for myself at lunch time, there was enough foodremaining from last night?s dinner and I only warmed it up to eat. Afterlunch I washed the dishes and prepared again for the afternoon routine,cooking for the dinner and watching television. Helen?s paper told me Ishould ask Mark for money, since next day would be supermarket day. Hegave me a certain amount of bills of dollars (thigs that I only saw inmuseums before) and told me I should buy something beautiful for me.This evening, in bed, I also avoided sex. This time, he did not eventry. From one side I was relieved, but part of me regretted that he gaveup trying. Again it was difficult to fall asleep and the sleep wasagitated, again I. Instead I found myself enjoying it even though it was short. I wasn’t given a closed room it was in a small shadow of a cloth wall on the outside.At the time, I had been reading the Diary of Anne Frank for school. Between that and watching reruns of Hogan's Heroes, somehow my brain set me as a prisoner in a Nazi camp. I returned to these pages so many times that my simple red journal falls open to the page when I open it. I continued the dream with the guard in the fantasy falling in love with me, sneaking me out, and raising a family with me. Then abruptly my journal entry switches to addressing God. I beg his forgiveness for my sinful thoughts.Lord, why do you torture me—I ask in the lord’s prayer ‘and deliver us not into temptation, deliver us from evil’ it says plainly. Why do I enjoy these dreams?In my little red journal I wrote a lot about sex, a lot about God, and very little about my real life. Real relationships seemed impossible.Everyone knew me as the prim and proper girl.
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