Like viscerally sexual. I felt like… I dunno, a grown-up I guess? A real person for once. A person who could throw a punch, and hurt somebody and be OK with that. It made me want to fuck and eat a cheeseburger in no particular order. Anyway since then Ethan has been looking a little.. I dunno man-boy to me. The shit I used to think was confidence now seems like lazyness, his bravado seems like dim-wittedness. I know he hasnt changed. Its the same him, the same shit, but Im different now. It feels dissonant, frightening. Like I thought I knew what I wanted, and it wore a leather jacket and smelled like engine-oil and booze, and rode motorcycles with a devil-may-care attitude, and bent me over those motorcycles and fucked me with that same devil-may-care attitude. But now it all just seems a little… adolescent. Small. Ethan, me, all of it. So when he held on to my wrist with that shark-tooth grin, all fucking drunk and stanky, not letting me go until he got what he wanted.. I think I. Then again,I did have a good time during the dinner with him. And I had never enjoyeda kiss so much ...'A while later I tried to get to sleep, but couldn't get it out of my mind.'Why do I have such conflicting feelings about Gordon? He's my brother, orat least used to be. But he makes me feel ...' I kept fretting over it for avery long time.It took me most of the week to get him and my feelings about him out of mysystem. Work was a good help in doing that though. It was a busy time atthe office and I worked long hours to get all the things done. So ithappened that I was still working late on Friday evening. Mr. Hanner hadalready left and told me not to make it too late. I replied. "Sure Mr.Hanner, I'll just wrap this up and go home myself." I didn't mention thatthe wrapping up would take me hours to do.I was totally immersed in my work and didn't notice someone approaching mydesk till he stood in front of me. I looked up annoyed of being disturbed.Then I was shocked to see Gordon in.
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