The nonidentical twin sensations of prickling pain and cadaverous cold oozed slowly into my thighs. I was intact. I was also impatient. Correctly supposing I was sitting under a countertop, I leaned forward and hooked my hands up over it. With that initial grip on reality, I pulled myself out into the floor of the bathroom proper. Though lucid, I felt confused and disoriented, a paradoxically comfortable condition for me at that time in my life. I rolled down onto my side and drug myself forward along the floor while my legs’ intense and disconcerting pain soaked out toward my feet. A faint glimmer marked the door of the large, commercial bathroom. I slid toward it and pushed it open. A single, lonely light had been left on somewhere in the station: not enough to push the darkness all the way out to its walls, but enough for me to remember where I was. I also remembered hallucinating in the bathroom. Truth be told, I had only achieved sufficient composure to hope it had been a. Dopamine effects the pleasure centers of the brain and the resulting buildup of it from cocaine caused the familiar ‘rush’ that addicts were hooked on. Unfortunately, the body would learn to cope with the unusual circumstances and build a resistance to the dopamine buildup. Normal levels of dopamine from simple joys would no longer be enough to trigger the pleasure response and hence the addiction. Drug addiction was a scary world and leaving it was just as frightening. “And that’s another reason you scare me so much, John. When I’m with you, when I kiss you, I can feel it deep down, like before. I haven’t felt so much pleasure in such a long time. You make my body ache when you want it to. That first time at the Chinese restaurant… What you did to me was indescribable and every time since then too. You have no idea how much that frightens me. I want you so badly. My body wants you. And I can’t have that. I can’t face another episode like before. But dammit you make it so difficult.
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