And the lingerie? Maybe if I experimented with the lingerie it could give me the erotic edge I need to get into the idea of sex.There it is again. Sex. I can't stop thinking about last night. My big problem was I wanted to be the man. I wanted to do the thrusting and penetrating, not be the vessel to be filled. I've put on a woman's body, I'm wearing women's clothes in a woman's room; Howard has even started calling me by a woman's name: Martina. But I'm not a woman. I don't think it's something you can learn.With the first timers and the ones who kept coming back under different faces, they were there to fill some need. They either felt themselves to be women or were expressing some in-built need to experiment and blur the boundaries a bit. But that's not me. I'm a man. I can't help that.Actually that's not fair. I've been a woman, in body at least, for just over a day. That's not enough time to decide anything.26/11/05--------Howard took me out in public today for my. Hunsucker, and I hated this whole fucking so-called school. Rehabilitation, my ass!"You okay?" asked Shug behind me."No, Shug, I'm miserable," I said quietly as we stepped for the exit. "Sometimes I think the tension here is just too much for me." It's gonna be tough for a while, but we can do it. You strong. I'm strong." She smiled like a warrior nerving himself up for battle. "We all strong long as we stay togethuh. We Mary's Girls." Yeah. Mary's Girls." I forced a laugh and a smile. Yes, this kind of life was a heavy burden to bear, but being one of Mary's Girls lightened the load. But not enough.###Later that day, while going to my sixth period class, Daria came to me through the moving throng and pressed a sheet of folded paper into my hand. After my last class, I read it in my room."Dear Karen," it began, "I want to begin by apologizing for hitting you with that bat. My superiors in the Fillies ordered me to take a swing at you to prove my loyalty to them. I know that doesn't.
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