Was the joint laced with something? Oh well, just keep looking at the patterns and lights and don’t close your eyes.Time passes. The train rocks and rolls. What time is it? Where has everyone gone? I roll over to the edge of the bunk and look toward window. Amanda is asleep sitting up. I look down. Lois is lying back asleep but ... her blouse is open. Craig is fondling her left breast and her bra is pushed up. I start to get up. But before I move I look at Lois’s face again; she is not asleep. Her eyes are closed but her hips are moving. As I watch, I see her tongue lick her lips. Oh shit, I think, what am I seeing?I roll back and look at the ceiling one foot from my face. What do I do? What do I want to do? Should I do anything? The train is rocking. Just rocking. This is rape. She is stoned. Surely she doesn’t know what he is doing. Maybe it’s not real; maybe it’s a dream. I slowly move my head to look again. He is doing something. He is moving his head. I can’t see her face, just. That had been five years earlier. He knew I was still a bitof a Mama's boy, preferring to be with her than to play hockey with my fourbrothers, but he never expected this. Now, the abrupt change in mysissyish appearance five years earlier suddenly became apparent to him -she had replaced dressing me as a sissy in public with dressing mecompletely as a girl in private. He was furious. He forbid her to ever doit again. Mother tried pleading with him, saying, "But Jim, this is whathe wants."But he was unmoved. He said, "He wants this because you want it. And heis a little sissy mama's boy who will do whatever his mother wants. That'sit. No more."That was the last time I dressed like a girl. I went through a period ofmourning, where I really missed it, but then I just kind of buried thatpart of me. And kept it buried, until that night that I had introducedEmily to Mother.And now here I was, standing in front of Mother and Emily, still feelingthe lipstick on my lips that Emily.
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