The reality of this room and the hellfire in my head compete for validity, though they're equally excruciating. I wonder how I can still be alive while enduring such pain. Chunks of me taken, the very best pieces of my life, plucked away with no regard. Cheek pressed to the hardwood, I stare at the dark sky outside the window of my dark apartment, breathing loudly through a broken, stuttered inhale. Fresh tears occasionally streak over the dry ones.Losing my mother was a feat I thought I'd conquered. Losing Zack is one I know I never will.The day we met was witness to one of my darkest moments. I never told him I planned on jumping that day, but something tells me he knew. After my mother died, I spent a lot of time thinking about her. About who I was. How she was always there to give me wisdom, and I was too young and conceited to notice. I took her for granted, along with everything else. She would surely vouch for my kindness, and I would gladly accept it, until the day she was. I was in White Cliffs and drove to Paroo-Darling Park. I encountered a former student, working for the N.P.S., and he remarked on the fact that the Paroo was the last free-flowing river in the State.”“It may be the last in the country,” said Charles, “When it’s actually a river.”“I then visited the band at Peery Lake and brought them some sugar the next day. The leader asked where I was headed and I told him the Corner Country and then elsewhere. He said he would let other bands know.“I went to Cameron Corner and then to Innamincka, which I hated. So I went to a cattle station – Epsilon – and met some interesting aborigines. So I went to Nockatunga Waterhole and spent several days with a band and thinking. I thin went to Cunnamulla and back into New South Wales. But I think the three or four aboriginal encounters were very important.”“Where’d you go from Cunnamulla?”“Oh. Dubbo and Moree, Armidale and Port Macquarie, Grafton and here. I started out reading Sturt, but then I went back.
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