It took some effort, but I finally faced her again. "Look", I sighed. "I got some shrapnel in my ass from a roadside bomb. The pinned a purple heart on it to make the boo-boo go away. Big deal. The others I would rather not discuss. Let's just say that I was doing my job, and leave it at that. Please? Those days are over, thank god. I'd just as soon forget them if it's all the same to you." But why? Aren't those medals for bravery?" Look, lady. Bravery is all well and good, but it didn't keep half of my team from getting killed. I'd trade that cross to have a drink with those guys one more time. The star that's attached to it cost two more lives. The bronze star only cost three wounded, but one of those lost both legs. Let me tell you a secret detective. Those medals don't mean I was brave. They don't mean shit. All they indicate was that I was in a position to be scared out of my gourd. So scared that I forgot about anything but killing people before they could kill me. I had two. My father sat down with me later that night and tried to speak to me, man to man. He explained that he knew that I had been going through some rough patches in my life lately, and wanted to know if I wanted him to help me get out of it. Not sure how he would have done that, but I just shook my head. The rough patch that he referred to had been the death of my girlfriend and her little brother in a massive accident that I was involved in. A drunk had ran a red light and slammed into our Honda Accord and totaled it. Miraculously I had not been hurt much more than a few bruises and a shit load of mental anguish. My girlfriend’s brother died instantly. She, however, had not been so lucky. I sat there with her as she cried in my lap. I had never felt so powerless in my life. What the fuck had I done to deserve this? What had she done? What had her brother done? I had no answers. As I tried to move on with my life I realized I could not focus on the real world anymore. What had been there.
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