*** "Um. I was wondering if I could go to a friend's place."Like school, this was an inevitability. Young children asked theirparents to leave the house and go to a friend's place. I did it when Iwas a little boy, and I was doing it now. Perhaps I should have beenworried that it didn't feel strange asking for permission to dosomething that I could have readily done before my change, but I wasmore concerned with helping Ashley/Madison.And hopefully myself too.Kathryn replied, "That's wonderful, Kaylee! Yes of course you can go.What is her name? Do I know her mother??I shouldn?t have been surprised that Kathryn would overreact, but Ihadn?t anticipated just how excited she would be that Kaylee had finallymade a friend.I replied, ?Woah. Her name?s Madison. And it?s not a big deal. Dial itdown.?Kathryn said sheepishly, ?Sorry, honey. I?m just happy that you?ve foundsomeone to play with. I just worry sometimes because I never see youplaying with any toys. And the only times I hear about you. I felt bad about what I had been doing while he was away, and what I knew I would be doing when he left again. I had to keep suppressing that thought if I was ever going to be able to live with myself or with my husband. At least until I found a way out of the mess I had gotten myself into.I tried not to think about what had happened to me while my husband was away. I wanted the next three weeks to be as normal and as wonderful as possible. I wasn't very successful. I could not keep my mind from reliving my recent experiences. I kept remembering what I had done, and what had been done to me.But that wasn't the worst part. What made me feel so bad was that whenever I caught myself thinking about it, I noticed that I was getting aroused. I didn't want to be. I knew I should be disgusted, traumatized.I could honestly say that I dreaded the next trip my husband would take, and what I would be put through after he left. I did not look forward to my next session with Ted. And yet the idea.
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