I didn't even know what was going on inside of me, so how could I have explained it to them? But no matter how much evil I see, I think it’s important for everyone to understand that there is much more light than darkness. The return of the voices would end in a migraine that made my whole body throb. I could do nothing except lie in a blacked-out room waiting for the voices to get infected by the pains in my head and clear off. Knowing I was different with my OCD, anorexia and the voices that no one else seemed to hear made me feel isolated, disconnected. I took everything too seriously. I analysed things to death. I turned every word, and the intonation of every word over in my mind trying to decide exactly what it meant, whether there was a subtext or an implied criticism. I tried to recall the expressions on people’s faces, how those expressions changed, what they meant, whether what they said and the look on their faces matched and were therefore genuine or whether it was a. Heart shaped.’ Then we were gone. The back door closed behind us with finality. I had closed the door on the secrecy. Ahead of us, a glorious day beckoned. It was about a ten minute walk to the spot I had in mind and in that time I felt like I aged ten years. Tim, bless him, didn’t ask what was on my mind though I knew he could tell something was bothering me. When we crested the hill, we passed out of sight of the house. There was a pasture ahead of us and not a person in sight. In the distance, a few cows had gathered around a tree. Our destination was another shady spot, this one just above the stream that ran though the pasture. I used to come here to think when I was a teenager. It was where I had tried to work through all the angst that goes along with growing up. I had spent many lazy afternoons out here, with a book or just my thoughts for company. I stopped beneath the old tree. Tim, taking the cue from me, put the basket down. I opened it and took out the ancient red.
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