I was not prepared at all. I was in my work clothes which are not flattering my hair pinned up and zero make up on and id just worked five hours straight. FUCK thinking that I must look awful, I didn’t even look in a mirror before I left shit! I just sat staring at him wordless like an idiot he went to move I thought he was going to go but he took the seat opposite mine he was staying ‘FANTASTIC’ but I still looked like crap so why? I had nothing to lose so I asked why he would be interested in what I was reading. He replied I had a look of rapture on my face I blushed of course I couldn’t tell him why so I told him it was just a romance novel. From then on we just made small talk I don’t know why he was bothering with me, we talked about work but never said what our jobs were he was wearing casual jeans and a white shirt so I guessed maybe a bar tender. I looked at the clock and realised I had fifteen minutes to get back to my work so I excused myself and went to leave he stood up. I have, for a long time, relished my complexity as a human being. I am forever elusive, even to myself. Constant oscillation, and the whirlwind makes its appearance again. Who am I beneath this skin and these bones that seemingly link me to others around me? Who do they know resides there? It excites me to entertain these thoughts. But I am lost. Lost in a conscious way. Lost in an “I am not lost” way. I met my Master in the flesh this week. I grew more aware with the subjugation of every logical thought that had tried to rush through my head. There was nothing to decide, only to stop deciding. My senses had never been so fine-tuned. The intensity of the exhilaration that had me in delectable knots, it was a moment of wilful sedation wherein my senses had suddenly stopped being dull. There was an acute sense of awareness, and I went into my submissive state like a child, taken by the hand. I was dizzied by the dissociation that occurred as I simultaneously both lived and witnessed.
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