I was exhausted, emotionally and physically, Ethan was holding me, and for the first time, in a very long time, I felt safe. ‘Thank you.’ I whispered, I didn’t know what else to say. Ethan kissed the top of my head and whispered, ‘My pleasure, I know you probably heard it a thousand times, but it wasn’t your fault that your parents died that night. It was an accident.’ Deep down, I probably knew he was right, but the feeling of guilt I had was stronger. I pulled away just enough so I could look into his eyes. ‘Maybe you are right Ethan, maybe it was an accident, but for the past five years, everyday there’s a ‘What if…’ inside me. What if I hadn’t gone to that party that night? What if I hadn’t called my parents to pick me up and just used a cab? This feeling inside me is so strong Ethan that some days I don’t know what to do with it.’ Tears were threatening to spill again, but I swallowed them. ‘Emma, you have to understand something, there will always be the ‘What if questions…’. A couple of times I tried to resist, but she simply reached out to take my wrist in a bone crushing grip and force me into the car. At her home, she would strip me naked, change into tights and, after making me bet her my paycheck that she could do whatever she wanted with me, spend the next hour or so doing whatever she wanted with me. I tried to reason with her, pointing out that she was leaving me nothing but my savings to live on, but she simply laughed and told me to let her know when my savings were exhausted. After a few weeks, when it became apparent that I was completely defenseless against her, she stopped going through the formality of betting me and would simply take my paycheck and whatever else she wanted away from me. After she had finished with me, and I was lying at her feet either unconscious or sobbing and begging for mercy, she would pick me up, throw me over her shoulder, carry me upstairs to her bedroom and spend the rest of the night raping me until I finally.
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