I had set out one May morning to run to the end of the Strand, and I needed to complete my run. Setting an easy pace, I covered a hundred yards without thinking, just feeling what it was like to be able to go through the motions again. But as I ran, I was overcome with a sense of urgency and I picked up my pace. I needed to move faster, further, I needed to run until I could not run anymore. I went faster yet, moving frantically, and I realized that I was sobbing, and I thought again of my father and how I missed him and that I did not know how much until I had been near death and wanted him beside me. And I thought of Sam, and how much he would grieve if I left him and how desperately I wanted to see him and touch him again, and live with him, and for him, and I ran. I ran from the car, and I ran from the tree, and I ran from the cold ground. I ran from the memory of pain and I ran from the fear of loss. I staggered and nearly fell, but I ran on, weeping, my body and mind both. Whatcan I do, I am desperate?" "Here, blow your nose and dry your eyes. What would you like me to do?" Can you find a way of stopping me turning into a man? Can you find a waythat I can become a girl?" I have always known that you were not like your brother. I wondered ifyou might be gay, so I did lots of reading about that. I haven't done anyreading about changing to be a girl. I will start with doing a bit ofresearch. I think you have a little time before puberty strikes. I willtalk to dad and get him to help me. Have you been having trouble withanyone at school?" There is one crowd of boys that call me girly boy and push me around, butif Jenny and Karen hear them they wade in and scare them off." Good for them. When I have spoken to dad and done some research, it maybe an idea to talk to our doctor. Have you had any trouble from yourbrother?" No, he's been alright, he just ignores me." Is there anything else you would like me to do right away?" I would love to be able to wear.
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