She's called Scarlett... I love her, I think. I mean, she's really hot. She's an 18-year-old online stripper you see... bit of a nightmare though, she's really c***dish.”“What do you expect from an 18-year-old?” I laughed. “How old are you?”“32. I was born on Christmas Day 1982. I am the Brown Jesus!”“I was born in July 1983 so you're six months older than me.”“Wow. You have really nice tits you know. How come they're not all saggy like my mum's tits?”“Maybe because I haven't had k**s yet?! Dickhead!”Initially he told me he was from Kabul but that turned out to be a joke. In reality he was born in Leicester making him twice as English as me.Two weeks later and he was staying at my flat, he was still with Scarlett (just about) and we hadn't fucked although we had kissed a lot. I was getting impatient. “How about I give you a back massage?” I said.“I've got some coconut oil in the kitchen, I could melt it so it's body temperature and then rub it in to your poor tired body, how about. The pretexts were quite ludicrous, but for some reason I was seen as quite the catch, an unmarried titled gentleman with a country estate, town house, his own hair and teeth and quite able to walk unaided being it seemed quite an extraordinary rarity.I used my usual charm and wit, “Lady Charringfold what a delight!” I simpered, “How kind of you to drag yourself away from your gardeners potting shed and indeed his prong and grace us with your presence.”“I thought you should meet my daughter Sabrina,” she said ignoring my barbs.“Ah, bit flat chested for me,” I admitted, “And plain, like the Mona Lisa with the beak of a Toucan.”“Oh Lord Mannington what a whit you are,” she laughed while supressing the urge to strike me down.“Oh well Sabrina, down to business,” I joked, “Do you give head, do you do anal, do you charge by the hour or.”“Mama this is quite intolerable,” she replied, “I should rather enter a monastery than marry such a brute.”I laughed, ugly and stupid. “What with all.
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