I'm not trying too hard as I'd just as soon be back in the car makin' out with Michelle. She's distracted tonight, however, and I keep seeing her looking past me for something. "Everything ok?" I ask her finally."Hmmm? Oh. Fine." She smiles at me then pulls me out on the dance floor. I can dance. I mean, really dance. The only way a white boy like me goes out with as many black girls as I do is 'cause I can dance and I can fuck.Which is what I'm thinking when I see Trina walk in on Jamal's arm. Jamal, the tall undeniably handsome bro' that is the starting center for Essex's championship basketball team. 'Bet he can't make her scream.' The thought doesn't particularly console me but seeing Michelle's eyes narrow at me does. I can't help but grin. I pull her over and kiss her softly. "Have I told you, you look awesome tonight?" You best keep yo' eyes on the prize." She snaps."Why don't we go somewhere an' I'll show you how good you look." Why don't you just keep dancing."Shortly. I don't know what made me think I could convince Howard to accept my taking a lover. But even so, I never expected him to simply shut me down. There was no compromise in his tone. It was delivered with such force that it caught me completely by surprise.I am unused to failure. I haven't experienced it very often and this came as a shock. I thought I was so well prepared. I was sure Howard would see that this was important to me and that he wouldn't deny me my need. He's never denied me anything I really wanted before. Why did he react so dramatically this time?I had to rethink my situation. I love Howard. I know I do. But I need some excitement in my life. I'm nearly fifty and I need this. I need someone to help me feel alive and desirable. God knows, Howard is a wonderful lover. He fills me so completely and he is so thoughtful with me. I couldn't ask for a more considerate husband. But ... I need more.I've really made a mess of this. I've alerted him to my intention. I've stupidly.
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