Being his sub gives me a deep sense of contentment. A feeling of being "at home". When I think about it it makes me aroused and wet. When I reflect for longer (like now) I can feel a pressure in my chest which is the bundled up feelings and overwhelming devotion. I am his sub and will do whatever He asks me to do whenever he asks me and with whomever He decides. I do not need to think about it. This leaves me free to devote my attention to doing it well. In my vanilla life I am a decision maker and a driver and impatient to get things done. When I have decided on something I go for it. Bridging this gap is something I am still learning. I have to remind myself as his sub that it is not about me. As his sub I must learn to be patient and wait until He tells me to do something. For example I would like to have some Ben wa balls so that I can train my vaginal muscles to be tight despite all the stretching they regularly endure. The vanilla me wants to rush out and buy some and start. You can’t tell girls at work or at school that they make you cum in your pants and you wank on them all the time. It wasn’t until I was middle-aged that I got to worship personally. In my teens my inadequacy wasn’t really a problem, most blokes hadn’t ‘done it’, though when I heard those that had boasting about their exploits, I felt this strong guilt and humiliation – they were talking about the girls whose names I was chanting last night as I masturbated. I only knew what a bra was because I heard one of the blokes telling his mate how he could undo Her bra with one hand (later on I’d collect lingerie catalogues so was a lot better informed).I also felt guilty whenever I had contact with girls, at school or later at work, not just because I was secretly worshipping them, but also because I knew people, ‘normal’ people, ‘did it’, and I didn’t. It was a few years though until I was happy to call myself a wanker. As a youth I guess I knew what I was, but didn’t really think about it.
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