I had told myself a million times that it didn't matter because obviously they were there as well, but Jesus it still caused me to crap myself when I thought about it. I had a quick tour of the place, amazed at the different rooms on offer. I was particularly surprised by how I felt when I saw the public viewing room, where anyone could watch you have sex. It turned me on so much, which was a surprise. I made my way back to the bar, grabbed a drink and settled into a comfy chair. The room was mostly full of men. Old and young. There were a few couples quietly talking to each other and also scanning the room. I was the only single female there. I suddenly felt like I imagine a rabbit must feel like when confronted with a pack of dogs. As I sat sipping my vodka an older gentleman came over to talk to me. He was nice to chat to, but I knew I wasn't interested in fucking him. I planned on taking my time that night, picking the best of the bunch for myself. After a while, and after my. It suddenly struck me that I was trapped...trapped by expectations. I wastrapped by my dad's expectations of what it meant to be a man and my ownneed to fulfill them. I was trapped in my role as a brutish thug. Ihated who I was but I couldn't see a way out of these chains that boundme."I wish things could have been different," I thought aloud, wonderingwhat my life would have been like if I'd been allowed to just be myself.What would it have been like if I'd been allowed to follow my interests,whatever they were? Who would I have become if I'd been free to chooseon my own?But of course, it was pointless to imagine such a thing because there wasno way dad would have allowed that. As he'd told me on countlessoccasions, his son was going to be a real man.With that I suddenly wondered what my life would have been like if I'dbeen born a girl. If I'd been born a girl, then dad never would havetried pushing me to be like him. He never would have pushed me to be areal man or forbidden.
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