It was the first time after they knew they were going to have an affair instead of just an encounter. Long afterward, it remains in place for her, not as narrative, not as full sentences. No, it remains as images and fragments of scenes and isolated words. Was it worth it? It cost her so much.At least there are memories. She still has them. Such as? Such as how she told her husband she was ill and would stay home. Not badly ill, no dear, just a little indisposed and headachy. You know. No, I don't need to see the doctor. I'll call you later.She remembers light. The sun rising to an almost cloudless sky, shining pink light, then white, on the house, light that flitted into the light interior and reflected off furniture and glass knick-knacks, that filtered into her shower while she prepared herself for her lover.There's an image, as if she's looking over her shoulder as she washes her body, washes her vagina especially carefully, then dries herself in front of the mirror with a. "It's funny how words can affect me now, and the way men look at me afterthey have had me. When I heard the words 'dirty bitch' and saw thecontempt he had for me in his eyes, the hormonal rush that ran through mealmost made me faint. I could barely keep it together while he dressedand tossed his tip on the bed but I did manage to give him a sparklingsmile as he gave me one last look before closing the door.Not all of the clients took the opportunity to use me as a human toiletthat day but a lot of them did and, as a result, I found myself peeingfar more often than normal. Somehow I sensed that Kate's advice wascorrect and it was worth having the discomfort of a stomach full of pisssloshing around inside me. Cleaning the men with my tongue after they hadused me was the ultimate form of degradation but having them empty theirbladders or just offering that service took it a big step further andcaptivated the men who used me. For me, the humiliation of it alltriggered rush after rush of.
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