I had to get out.---"I?m so sorry for your loss."The lineup on the way out of the funeral parlour was not something I?dconsidered. I couldn?t just run past the queue of people. I hang back,last in the line, thinking of what to say to my ex-finance. What to sayto anyone. I knew everyone here and missed them. Sarah and her husbandspend the longest talking to John, faces set. I can see she?s beencrying. I really shouldn?t have come here. I feel like an asshole.I am an asshole. I invented a person and lied about who I was. And whenthat stopped being fun I just lied some more, getting deeper and deeperinto this fake woman until all the fun had been sucked right out of it.I just wanted the good stuff. The fun stuff. The easy stuff. I didn?twant fights and having to consider his feelings and having to makesacrifices. I wanted to be the center of the universe. I?m an asshole.I should have come as Jessica, I think, as the line moves on. I?d havelooked hot in a tight black dress. Maybe I could. I think it will look just darling on you."Mom helped me take off my Tee shirt carefully without messing up my hair. Sheopened the buttons on the new shirt and helped me put it on.With the buttons open, it barely touched my head as I pulled it on."Here, let me help you fix your hair."With a few touches of a brush, and a long shot of hairspray, she said I wasready to go. I looked at myself as I passed the mirror on my way out. I sawmy head with a bunch of curls above straight, smooth bangs, sticking out froma shirt that was the color of orange sherbet. I had never seen myself in thiscolor before, but somehow I liked it.I got my bike from the garage and started toward Betty's house. It wasn't along ride, well under a mile. Betty and her mother were in the front yard,pulling weeds from a flower bed, as I arrived.Betty's mother looked a lot like Betty. She had the same color red hair asBetty, except that hers was in a style that I didn't really know the name of.It wasn't until some time.
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