Evidently, it is the chimp, if left unsupervised, that can get carried away with the sex drive, causing all manner of chaos, promiscuity, depravity, infidelity and deception in search of sexual satiation. Now, this is where my chimp appeared to be a little faulty. All the times she had been rampaging wildly through my brain, taking a firm grip on my life, she had completely neglected my sex drive. She seemed to guard it like a fortress. Not allowing anyone in who wasn’t worthy, immediately suspicious of any interlopers who dared attempt to strip me of my carefully constructed and closely protected armour.One Saturday morning, I was eyeing my chimp, happily lap-sitting and humming to herself quietly.“Why aren’t you more sex-obsessed?” I asked her.She looked up at me, narrowing her eyes. Immediately on the defence.“You’re meant to lead me astray. Get me into more trouble. Drag me into dangerous and sexy adventures in search of more and more satisfaction. Why don’t you do that? Everyone. “Thank you for coming ... We have been waiting very long for you...”Cut to, Effat and Yureed sitting side by side on the couch. Close-up on Effat, who is sitting forward with her hands on her knees. She speaks direct to camera, her accent thick with stereotypical accent ticks.“My name is Effat Hassan. I was born in Faisalabad in Pakistan, 41 years ago ... I married Yureed when I was 14, and he brought me here to England, when I was 18. But where he really wants me to be is in The United Kingdom of Zoo...” She slurs slowly, lazily, like a woman bored of the world – stretching words out – ‘Pakistan’ comes out as ‘Paaaaar-kiss-staaahhn’, ‘wants’ comes out as ‘vaaaaants’.To her side, Yureed says nothing, just sits back and looks across at her as she tells her story.“I was a virgin when I married Yureed, of course, I was only 14 ... That’s why he married me.”Yureed interrupts, “14 is soooo tight!” He smiles to himself, then checks himself. “Is it okay for me to say that? Effat is the only.
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