He didn’t want to jump into a whole new way of living together all at once. He didn’t have any trouble asserting Himself in bed (on the contrary, that was the part He got immediately). But He was put off by too many formalities in the transactions of daily life. And He worried about hurting me. (Emotionally, I mean–physical punishments were not yet on the table in those days.) I couldn’t blame Him, I remembered how snotty I was. But I longed to convince Him that the best way for me to change was to plunge into serving Him with all my heart–that the more He demanded, the better I’d like it. I knew I had to keep myself on offer, so to speak, but remain humble and accept whatever He was comfortable with. It had to be worked out slowly, day by day, case by case. The first year was sometimes discouraging. But the arguing stopped and the sex got exciting, we were obviously doing something right. Naturally, we did internet research. That was eye-widening. There is a lot of silliness,. I wasn't convinced that was something I wanted to do, and Ihad never been attracted to boys, and after attending that meeting withGail, and seeing how the girls were with each other, my doubts only grewlarger, and more intense. Girls were more fluid in their movements aswell as their relationships, while guys were less vocal about things,but more boisterous. There was so much that I did not understand aboutgirls, yet I desperately wanted to understand. I wanted to be like them,to feel like them, to act like they did. It was a feeling that wassometimes overwhelming, and sometimes a huge weight on my shoulders, sothe question was, did I want to be a real girl, or just play at beingone? That was the problem.Nana sat there holding my hands softly, no terror in her eyes, nohatred, no disillusionment, only love and concern. That was why I wantedto talk to her. She was the voice of reason within the chaos I hadcreated. She would always love me, no matter what, but unlike my mother,she bore.
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