I set my cigarette down in an ornatecrystal ashtray Mom had let me borrow and started on my foundationmakeup. I dabbed a generous layer on a sponge and began applying it to myface, taking the occasional drag off my cigarette as I worked. As Nancy,I wore slightly heavy yet smooth, well-applied makeup to help perpetuatethe illusion that I was an older woman skillfully using makeup to attemptto hide her age. A disguise within my disguise, as it were.As I diligently altered my face from that of a teenaged boy into Nancy'sprettier and considerably older one, I thought about my father and thethings he said the night before. As hard as I tried, I couldn't picturemy manly father prancing around in a dress and wanting to be a woman, buthere I was doing the same thing. Maybe he was right about this being agenetic thing. If it was true, it shed a whole new light on my situation.If my wanting to be a woman was really genetic, then that meant it wasn'tmy fault. Of course, I still owned all of the. Our bond is still in its infancy, yet I was able to discern that his customary 'teasing', his attempts to goad me into admitting that it was my desire to be with him that prompted me to suggest his return to our ship, were a plea for reassurance. I regret not having said so immediately. My ill-advised attempt to engage in 'teasing banter' as we have done so often in the past has resulted in another unnecessary case of me offending him...As a result of these unsettling emotions I found myself unable to meditate and I had to devise a plan to improve my interaction with Charles and, should my previous mistakes not have rendered it impossible yet, perhaps initiate a romantic relationship with the man I desire.As always, when logic fails to provide the answers I needed, which is a frequent predicament when dealing with human behavior, I sought counsel from Ensign Sato, who has helped me countless times over the course of the last four years.As I approached her quarters, I nearly collided.
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