I was surprised and embarrassed to find Mr. Evans. I was also tonguetied and speechless. I mean what do you say to someone in thissituation? For his part, he didn't seem alarmed or disturbed in theslightest."Is John in?" He asked with an air of indifference.I half motioned toward the study, shocked by his attitude."Thank you."He moved past me with a mind of purpose leaving me aghast in the foyer.It was only the wind which blew firmly and stiffly across my thighsthat broke my revelry. Shutting the door quickly I rejoined John in thestudy."Ah, you've returned. I'd like you to meet my new maid, Solange.Solange, this is Mr. Evans."For some inexplicable reason I curtseyed to Mr. Evans. He noddedpolitely and returned his attention to John. I felt so unimportant. Itwas as if I was another piece of furniture in the room instead of aperson."Solange, please get Mr. Evans a glass of Chardonnay."I left the room to retrieve the wine, but when I returned John wasgone. Only Mr. Evan's remained. I. To meet would shatter the connection, destroy the safe, free, secret, intimate place. Total freedom! No inhibitions. Not just passion and sex. Oh, I have been there. I have known great passions, and great sex. But sensual exploration of sexuality, loss of all thought and inhibition, losing CONTROL. Total surrender. How can one just surrender their thoughts, their senses? I go through the days of my regular life having to be serious, stay serious… stay in control of myself. Coolly dealing with the realities of life. How then do I surrender myself? The very thought of doing this awakens something in me that has lain dormant. I WANT IT! To not be bound by anything, to explore and be explored. To discover and be discovered, mind… body… soul… all senses. Oh, the allure! The attraction of just letting go… getting lost in such sweet surrender! The very thought frightens me, and yet makes my soul ache for it. I can see it, you know. I can write here for you about it, for here in my words….
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