Neither of us looked at the other. I was too wrapped up in my own reaction to wonder what was going through my friend’s mind.Finally I spoke.“How long?” was all I could say. I still couldn’t bring myself to look at him. Christian paused a moment before replying. “Since the day we met.”I couldn't believe what I was hearing.“Why didn’t you say anything to me?” I demanded in a voice that betrayed how weak a handle I had on this news. I realised it was a stupid question the moment I’d asked it. He didn’t answer. My pulse raced with emotion and I struggled to keep my voice steady although I was deeply unsettled.“What sort of feelings, exactly?”Christian looked at me tenderly before lowering his eyes. “Not the sort one talks about in polite society.”“I don’t understand.”“I don’t expect you to understand, Gustav.” He suddenly sounded much older than his twenty years.“Help me to understand,” I countered quietly. More silence followed. Then Christian heaved a loud sigh.“Have you ever wanted. Whatever that was, it made me more interested in him.On another occasion and another party. We met up again. He compliments meon my dress. He wants to know more about me. There was not much I couldsay anyways. Living the sheltered life of a captured warrior turnedlittle girl, what would I contribute? That I loved swimming? That I lovethe clothes the maids make me wear? I was still a little shy around him,but to me he seemed so brave. So boyish. I felt something stirring insideme, something different. He was the boy I could have been? Adventurousand brave? I admired him. It was a strange new sensation. Did my girlybody finally have a crush on a boy?As we sat in the courtyard away from the snooty crowds and bustle of theparty. We held hands and stared at the night sky. I felt some more ofthat strangeness. We looked into each others eyes. Totally out ofcharacter, I kissed him. I felt like it was the right thing to do. Onthat night. I gave up on what I used to be. I cant go back to.
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