I pleaded with her to continue with the treatments, but McKayla firmly told me that she didn't want any more."If I go through all that—the surgery, the chemo, the radiation—what's that going to get me?" she asked through teary eyes. "Another month? Two? And for what? Feeling like shit after taking a handful of pills? Or throwing up for two days after the radiation? No, Amberle, I want to die with dignity. I just want to be comfortable and spend as much time as I can with you and our daughter."The doctors had done all they could, and she resigned herself to the fact that this would mean her death.I took her home. She was a shell of her former self. She had lost a lot of weight, and her glorious mane of raven-black hair was just now growing back. She seemed so frail, so weak. So unlike the vibrant woman I was used to seeing.But her smile never changed. The look in her eyes told me how much she loved me.For a while, she tried to function around the house, but she quickly got worse. As. I noticed that my hands were shaking as I struggled with my tank top. I dropped it on the back of my chair and unbuttoned my tight shorts. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even look at Jon or Laura. I kept my eyes on the deck took a deep breath. Then I slid my shorts down off of my hips and let them fall to the deck. I bent at the knees and picked them up and placed them with my top.I felt their eyes on my body as I stood there in my bra and panties. I finally got up the nerve to glance at them. I knew from the look on their faces that I had made the right decision this morning when I chose these more modest clothes. I was so pleased.I reached behind my back. I found myself amused by my own reactions. I was embarrassed, even though they had already seen me naked. I was excited. I was so incredibly excited that I could hear my heart beating. I could feel the blood running through my veins.My fingers were shaking so badly that I thought that I was going to have to ask for help.
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