And I felt a sense of loss as though a light had been switched off. I finished my espresso martini, picked up my phone and headed up to my room, deep in thought. I had been thinking about love lately. But my experience with Sarah made me wonder whether my, to date, lifetime commitment to the dance of lust made me permanently vulnerable to betraying any expressions of love that I made. Was it a fait accompli, demonstrated by my history, that giving into lust was so hard-wired into me that it would inevitably outweigh a love that bloomed? A vision of a future path had occurred to me at the bar, namely the wonderful erotic thrill of surrendering to my dark desires, consuming Sarah, and being re-born like her, a younger more powerful erotic goddess. Like a female Ozymandias, women would look at me and despair. Despair for their unquenchable need for me and their inability to hold onto me. The sheer erotic power that would flow from that apotheosis made me ache. As I got ready for bed, I. Then after Sierra returned to her boyfriend, and my fight, she was happy visiting several times when my sisters were not around as they had decided that living in town was more their style; living with our mother and Francis. When word got out that I had six girlfriends, Faith went from being pissed to actually despising me, refusing to say hello when Brodie and I were invited to Easter dinner.Barbara on the other hand kept her word and every month she would stop by with her gym bag in hand, full of cash. Cash, that contrary to the fifty thousand that I was required to pay taxes on, the monthly ten thousand went into the hidey-hole in my closet I discovered, left behind by my father. The reason the money went there was that the fifty thousand Brodie deposited for me ended up being reported to the IRS, which made me eligible to pay taxes. Paying my taxes after the first of the year, I discovered that the government was screwing me. That was because I was single and without any.
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