My emotional engine was going through the wringer, focused on events on the other side of town where no doubt Sue and Jenny were discussing the future of our marriage.But another part of me said maybe this was exactly what I needed. Maybe a distraction? Maybe a way out, an emotional fire escape should the worst come to the worst? Maybe just because it was the right thing to do? After all, this was the woman carrying my child. Wasn’t it right that she and I should have a deeper conversation about how things really were between us?Since Grace had been back in New York, we’d grown closer every week and every month. We didn’t over-use the word ‘love’, but we did sometimes use the ‘L word’. Even before Grace became pregnant with my child.But for me, and I think for Grace, it had never felt like the ‘L word’ that two people use before they embark on engagement or marriage or a deep and exclusive relationship. It was more the kind of love of two people who genuinely care for each, but that. I could see that women at parties loved to talk to you. I was pleased by that, but it was intense, you know, they liked to get you off to the side, one on one. One night I looked across the room and saw you deep in conversation with Sally and watched the almost sexual pleasure that each of you were having. The touches, the smiles, the serious looks. I could see it from way across the room. When you went into field sales, I had to come to grips with the likelihood, the absolute likelihood that on some lonely evening on the road, some other Sally would touch you in just the same way, look into your eyes in just that intense way. And I knew that it was unrealistic to think that you could escape the temptation to take that Sally or indeed our own neighborhood Sally to bed, no matter how we both loved each other’ He started to protest. ‘No, it’s true. I vowed never to ask, I prayed never to know. But I realized that it was true of ME, too, and of all the attractive, successful people in.
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