I waken just slightly. My husband gets up and starts his day. When he leaves, I wait for my son to wake up. My day should be routine and normal. I am a grown woman. I have the life I struggled so hard to achieve finally in my grasp. As my son watches Blue’s Clues, I go to my computer. I log on to the internet. It is in this forum that I think I have found you, again. You are my hope and my memory. I spend much of my time wondering if I’ll catch a glimpse of you again. I look out the window of my bedroom, away from the computer screen. I see the fence line and trees overhead. They might as well not exist. I remember so vividly each of the last eleven years. I run the months through my mind, and I wonder how I could have changed things to accommodate what I now know is true. I pour myself over the emotions and the feelings that you inspire in me. I no longer doubt the veracity of anything I ever felt, nor anything that comes to my mind in the present. When I am alone on days like. When I was young, I was always afraid of the dark. I'm not sure why, and it doesn't really matter. I just was. It seemed I would see places that were a little darker than the rest of my bedroom, and as I stared wide eyed into the darkness the blackest areas would slowly change shape and sometimes flit about the room thus scaring me even more.Sometimes I would become so frightened that I would end up screaming out in sheer terror, and naturally, as soon as the light came on, everything would completely disappear. I remember feeling so stupid as I looked around my very normal bedroom and then at my angry mother.Eventually I reasoned that the dark was as much afraid of the light as I was of the dark, and it would quickly slip away in the blink of an eye whenever confronted by the light. I could almost see it as the last bit slid under the closet door and retreated even further to the tiniest places like under the shoes and into the recesses of the deepest corners if the closet door was.
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