I exercised, wentrunning- but always wished I could run faster, wished my body wasphysically stronger. The coping strategies worked... Right up until mysixteenth birthday.For my birthday, my mother took me and my sisters (who at the time were18 and 10) out for a day of pampering. My hair- which was short at thetime- was styled into a very feminine pixie cut. My face was expertlymade-up, my nails manicured... And every second of it felt like torture. Ifelt uncomfortable, even foolish. I'd tried to get out of it by faking acold, but my mum insisted, after all- in her words- 'my sisters werereally looking forward to it'. Never mind what I wanted, of course.I arrived home and changed into the party dress that had been laid outfor me, and the brand new high-heeled shoes. Once I was all dressed up, Ifelt a wave of nausea wash over me. It was like I'd been punched in thestomach, I couldn't breathe, I could barely stand up. All I wanted to dowas scream, tear the clothes from my body, and. I wiped the crud from my eyes and decided once and for all that I had to get off the fucking night shift if I had to pay somebody to do it. I looked around and realized with that sinking feeling that despite my ultimatum, Vanessa wasn't here. At least her car wasn't in the driveway or in front of the house.I had been having that fucking dream again, the one where I was a musketeer or something. It always felt so fucking real. I could still feel the impression of the sword in my hand. I had never even seen a sword outside of a museum let alone held one. Maybe it was my subconscious way of saying that I needed to be more active, more aggressive if I was going to save my marriage.Only yesterday I had told Vanessa that I knew what she was doing, and she needed to put a stop to it immediately. Apparently she hadn't taken me seriously, because while I was out working my ass off all night, she was out again. She was probably out with Lockwood again, I was sure he was the one she was.
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