Tell you what, why don’t you let himhave a quickie? Jess wouldn’t mind really and I’llsit and watch so you won’t be carrying on behind myback.” Carole seemed to mull this over for a second or sothen said that she really couldn’t do that unlessJess was OK with it and as she wasn’t here itwouldn’t happen. Jack had perked up at the idea and drunk as I was Iwould be quite happy to watch as long as I got somelater. Jack butted in commenting that it really wouldbe okay as Jess always said she trusted Carole tolook after him if anything ever happened to her.Carole thought this was stretching the point a bitbut in her state of inebriation was having troublemaking her argument sound logical. Pointing out that poor old Jack hadn’t had any forages and was obviously near bursting point seemed tohave some effect although her comment was – “If yougive me a note from Jess then it’ll be okay.”Obviously no note would. To the barn, then around behind it. Back to the house. I’m restless. Unsure of what to do, of where to go. The whole thing hurts my feelings, and I’m uncomfortable no matter what. The cats eye me curiously, as if they’re asking me what my problem is. I finally decide to take a break, so I head for the front plot of land. Settling myself into the soft grass, I light a cigarette and beg my nerves to stabilize. It is a beautiful warm sunny day, but there’s a chill in my soul. I can’t enjoy it. I can’t find pleasure in the sun beating down on my head, because all I can think is that Greatma would have appreciated a day like this one. Once more, I feel the tears sting my eyes, and I taste the salt before I realize I’ve begun to cry. Irritated with myself and the situation, I butt out my cigarette and stand up, wiping my eyes. As I make my way back to the house, I begin to think. Thinking about the way Spring brings new life on each flower and tree. The colors in the country are.
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