Any notion of self-abuse was overridden by the horrible cramp that ran from between my legs into my lower abdomen. As I sat on the cold tiles letting the steaming water wash over me, an idle thought popped into my head unbidden; 'Is this what PMS feels like?'. No wonder girls complained about it so much – I felt like I was going to die. How did they put up with this every month? I understood now why women were supposed to 'glow' when they were pregnant. It was probably the overwhelming happiness at the prospect of nine months without experiencing this torture! Eventually the hot water ran out, but by then the pain had subsided enough for me to dry off and tumble into bed. Exhausted, I slept dreamlessly.Blearily I shut off the alarm and sat up. Thankfully, the pain between my legs had vanished. I couldn't imagine what it would be like, making the twenty-minute journey to the pool on the seat of a mountain bike whilst feeling like my testicles were trying to withdraw into my body. I. Except for the fact that the dress seems a bit fancy,even for visiting someone in the hospital, nothing about what you'rewearing looks especially unusual. How do you feel?" I feel weird." About wearing a dress?" Actually, no. I mean, it does feel different. But it don't feelweird... which feels weird. Does that make sense?"Mom's lips moved slightly as she worked through what I'd just said. "Ithink so. Are you saying you feel more like a girl than a boy?"I opened my mouth to answer, then clamped it shut and decided to thinkabout the question first. What did it really mean to be a girl? Was itjust the clothes I was wearing? Was it my body? Was it something deepinside me that was telling me what I was? Did it matter if the rest ofthe world was telling me something different? What would happen ifpeople found out about me? What would happen to Mom?As I was wrestling with these questions, I heard the door open and adeep, booming voice say, "I'm sorry it took me so long to get up.
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