’ Looking over at him, I saw, perhaps for the first time, that he also looked old and tired. And I realised how hard this was for him and not just for me. They’d been friends since before I was even born, both born in the last years of the war, both growing up in a world where you worked hard and you did your best, so unlike the world of today. And Noel had worked hard, even to the end he was still up with the sunrise, out with the sheep, cutting the grass, keeping the fields ploughed and sown, and when he’d come home of an evening he was just too tired to keep the house as well, Renee had always done that job. And so he’d just carried on with his part and let the rest fall to rack and ruin around him for probably the last 15 odd years. I felt a deep sadness, wondering why none of us had noticed how bad it had gotten and I saw my uncle was thinking the same. This was no way to live. But then since Renee had died we’d always met in town, he’d claimed it was the only time he got out. And further downward still. I feel nothing, nothing butthe pubic hair and soft skin of my smooth groin. Nothing. Please,please let there be something, let me have at least some trace ofmasculinity that will mask the true nature of my humiliation, of myself. I reach even further and my fingers eventually find the source ofthis angst, nestled languidly, softly, timidly on small, smooth, softballs. At peace. I literally feel my whole body shrink withhumiliation, as if any masculinity that may be mistakingly hidingsomewhere within me has suddenly got the message and left as quickly asit possibly could, leaving my physical being to diminish and move astep closer to inevitable femininity. This embarrassing parody of amale appendage will reveal the truth even if I'm to terrified to, thenaked truth, the soft, small, emasculated, effeminate brutal nakedtruth. I can't fuck her, I never will be able to fuck her........Idon't even think I want to fuck her." I can't " almost imperceptibly words.
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