“What’s number two?” I asked. “And don’t say we need to get our panties off for that!” I added sternly. She almost cracked-up again, but the professional doctor inside took over. “Okay. Number two is in the mirror; this one is just with the eyes, so do it when you get out of the shower.” She stood with arms by her side, staring straight ahead at her breasts while she talked. “Raise your arms above your head,” we both bid, “and look for any dimpling or puckering, especially if it’s just on one side.” I watched my breasts lift as I reached up, taking it seriously and looking for any differences, my eyes flicking involuntarily to Susan’s pink nipples and then down to her skirt, making my breath feel hot in my throat, and my nostrils flare as I exhaled. “Good!” she encouraged me. “Now, last one: hands on hips …,” we both did it, staring straight ahead. “… and flex your chest. And you’re looking for the same thing – puckering or dimpling – as your breasts move.” I watched her do it. How stupid! I did love her but this god-forsaken anger would keep rising every time we got close.I rang her back and when she answered I burst into tears and between the heaving and the sobbing, apologised over and over and babbled on and on about my troubles and this wild and untamed anger which I could not seem to be able to control. What else I said I can't remember, but it can't have been coherent. After some time, I ground to a halt.She said, "OK, but you need professional help," and rang off. It was all I deserved but it hurt all the same.Monday morning. Another working week. But I woke very early with the events of the day before etched in my mind and no thought of work at all.I did not lie abed, but rose and spent half an hour on the rowing machine, which I had been rather neglecting. Then a shower and only then did I allow myself the first mug of tea that day. I allowed myself half a grapefruit and some muesli as well. It was still only six, and the sun was shining, and.
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