Sometimes all it took was a nice set of boobs walking by me on the way to class. I would drive to a big box store and load up on panties and dresses, wear out a pack of disposable razors shaving off all of my body hair, and call my parents with some excuse why I had to stay on campus that weekend. I didn’t think I was gay. I didn’t want to be gay with all of my heart. Of course what I wanted to be defied reason. What I wished the world was like was an impossible fantasy. For me sexuality wasn’t as simple as being born LGBT. For me it was a spiritual torture caused by how I learned about sexuality. Mine was a product of guilt, of right and wrong, good and bad, a labelling of certain sexual behaviors as sinful that created a person like me. It created a boy who wanted to have a woman’s experience in bed yet wanting to avoid the intimacy with a man that this experience would require. I don’t think I can exaggerate just how odd this made me feel. I couldn’t imagine kissing a man. I. Gardner, it would be a pleasure."I caught a harsh look pass from wife to husband, given to Doug for his abandonment of his wife at a cafe downtown with a stranger- it was obviously not for me to notice.He disappeared quickly and I retook my seat just as the food appeared.In the last month Mary and I have met downtown, at various locations, four times for quiet luncheons. Purely innocent of course - but we hit it off immediately. In fact, I intentionally did not flirt or act in any way untoward Doug's wife - I was working on gaining her trust and friendship. Though I did notice the subtle change in the middle-aged woman, the extra attention she took to make herself attractive at each successive meeting.At home, as instructed, Doug made himself scarce, ignored his wife when he was home, and being a bastard when he could not.On the fourth lunch meeting, Mary told me about the downward trend at home - admitting, with tears in her eyes, that it has never been easy but it has been.
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