‘I need to get mama. You stay here.’ And with that, he walked off, toward our house, clenching his bullet, his not quite little boy shoulders squared against the weight of the world. Once he was out of earshot, I sat in the river loam by Daddy and sobbed myself ugly. I cried until the phlegm in my throat got so thick that I choked on it. And then I threw up until my ribs hurt before curling up on my daddy’s back and hugging him longer and harder than I ever had. In life, he had never been very fond of hugs. In death, he offered no complaints. The back of his shirt smelled like sweat and unwashed cotton and I rubbed it into my nostrils until the end of my nose turned sore. We lay like that, my father dead silent, the river and me babbling, none of us saying anything, until I heard singing. At first I thought it was the river itself, learned to carry a tune, the voice was so high and tinkling. It harmonized with the splashing and hiccuping of the water, until I could scarcely tell the. I know all of the places. You want a man—European man or Indian man? You English or American?”“American,” I said. “Just the hotel, thank you.” He’d cut right to the chase. From the hotel reference, or was he able to assess me from the look of me and the look I’d given him when I picked him out from the rest of those leaning on the taxi? Was he gay too? Was it a man I wanted? No, certainly not a man, having come this far and been primed by Chet. I could get a man in New York—I had gotten men in New York before Chet started encouraging me to branch out with my fetishes. No, I wouldn’t say and I didn’t want to even think it, but what I wanted was a boy. If Jeet was sixteen or older, he wouldn’t quite do—not now that I was here and primed to pursue the issue. Still, he was a beautiful boy. I hadn’t even had these thoughts, though, until Chet had brought them up, sensing my hidden interest—which matched his actual activity.“You want a boy?” he asked, persistent, and when I didn’t answer.
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