.. remember that conversation?" I crack the whip against my leg for emphasis. "Yes. I remember it and I still want it and I want you to hurt me but I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared..." Your voice keeps ramping up in pitch, and I'm afraid that soon it will be out of my range of hearing, so I cover your mouth with my hand to stop you. "You don't have anything to be afraid of. If you safeword, I'll stop. If you pass out, I'll stop." You shake your head, so I assume you want to speak, and pull my hand away. "I'm not safe wording... I'm just telling you..." "You're not safe wording? So, this is until you pass out... hmmmmm... maybe I should call someone over to let me know when that happens..." You shake your head violently, then close your eyes and try to calm yourself down. "I didn't mean that. I'm not safe wording *now*... not yet..." "Ahh... my mistake then. I apologize." You remain quiet for a minute, then open your eyes again and look into mine. "Ok... I'm ready now, I think.... That was the rolling tumescence that said here is the tumor and the tumor is you. Don’t you like it when someone says you can tell me everything? And you play the chords. And you think the cords. And the cords were the reason for the drapes in ‘The Cobweb’ and caused mental unbalance and murder, and that would be fine. If the dust would stop settling on you. If you could pass the dumb glumness of him, if you could make him understand that the ceiling above you us crushing down on you and it is black and dark and the walls or caving in and the windows are being boarded up in trick fast film clips. And you think oh God let me stop this, let me stop sitting here for what? 20 minutes since last message-how long to wait? How long to wait till I’ve done this and done that and why doesn’t the other organist meet me with one chord? With one cord. I have to have one chord to take me out of this. I have to get off this thing. God, the stories, god little, the memories, god all the hurts that.
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