" She agreed to let me take her. "Well, alright. I'll just zip up, here." "No, I'll hold onto this." "Really? Um, okay. I'll uh...okay, let's go." She laughed again, "I'm just teasing. You can have it back." "Say, uh...before I do, do you ah...want to give me a kiss?" (Wink, wink.) "Oh, you're funny. (Crinkled her nose.) "I'll think about it." "Okay, you think, now!"We rode off, enjoying the crisp, Fall afternoon. I'd look at her w/ lust in my eyes from time to time. She cupped her breasts w/ her hands, licked at her nipples under the fabric, to keep me aroused. She didn't have to work too hard. I mentioned again how glad I was to have met her, how I appreciated her talking to me instead of just saying "Thanks, bye!" And oh by the way, was she still thinking about kissing my penis? "Because I'd love to see your sexy smile wrapped all over my dick!" I wiggled my hips upward to mimic my pleasure in thinking about it. "Ooh, Crystal. You so good, baby!" I could see despite her willingness. Lisbeth told me I spent a lot of time sitting and staring at the walls.The graveside service was mercifully brief, then we drove to Charli's parents' house to eat. I think it is a strange custom to gather for food and drink after someone dies; others believe it to be a time for remembrance of the dead and fellowship. I stayed close to Mom and Lisbeth, my anchors to sanity in an insane world.All during the drive to Fargo, I asked myself just what deity I had pissed off to warrant such intimate hurt. First my father and then Charli, two of the people I loved the most. What had I done? What injury had I caused, and to whom? I was — and am — unable to believe in predestination or karma. How could something or someone hate me so much? I had no answers.We got home late, and after a brief kiss and a promise to return the next day, Donny went home. I went into the bedroom and froze; the reminders of Charli — her clothes, her scent, her jewelry, her stuffed animals on the bed — were a shock.
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